"I'm not a born actress, as such, I care about expressing feelings." -Audrey Hepburn

Many times I care too much about feelings and feelings make up my whole world for me. It makes me wonder whether the world I'm living in is the real one. Cause I feel surreal in my own delusion more than anywhere else.

I want to play a grand piano on some gorgeous stage with a million audience.
I want to learn as many instruments as possible; saxophone will be next.
I want to dive in a swimming pool-sized of chocolate fondue.
I want a field flooded with orange daisies.
I want to teleport to Berklee!
I want a library of books with classics, and very very very extremely good books & novels.
I want to own a home movie theatre with my very own ice cream fridge.
I want to direct my own gore movie and write my own gore novel. (this is thrilling.)
I want to get married to some rich guy and be a tai tai. HAH.

@ lolalimlumlabe_92@hotmail.com

Adina Amanda Amethyst Chenchen Esthergoh Estherlee Fionalim Gladys Jono Kennethleow Rachel Yijun Yuhong

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It's been horrible. And I'm not working hard. I'm not exactly studying. And it's left with 70 more days. Yes, I know I ought to study. I just don't get that momentum. And I have no idea where to start. It suck big time and I simply give up on achieving my 12 points. I realise that what I'm good at don't really bring me far either. It always has to be all rounded. You gotta be good at math, science, etc. It's almost everything. And it really doesn't matter if I'm good at my literature and language yea? I still suck big time for science and math where most of the courses in uni or poly requires a good grade for math and science.
I'm lack of directions and I have no goals right now. Where? I seem to be stuck in this vast ocean, not helping myself to get out of it.
Arggh. I know it's a really dull and sad post.

"LIFE SUCKS, PRAY HARD." **************** Loneliness is fascinating. People tend to say that they are lonely all the time . But it's a code word for something else. Probably they can't recover from their childhood damage, or they have decided to hate their current life and put a dead to it.
I don't know, I had lunch with a man once who kept complaining about his soup. It was too hot, it was too salty. I remembered him putting his spoon down next to the bowl with a practiced; like a slow, theatrical gesture of disgust. The soup was a personal affront to him. I suppose he was a flustered and impertinent man who has a bad past with soup. (like how he fell out with his wife over soup and got divorced. And he's lonely all because of the soup.)
Maybe some never felt that love shown in movies or read in books. They were desperately looking for partners, seeking to satisfy that innate desire. That's their code word. And most of the time, the love they saw in movies and books were superficial. The more they tried to grasp it, the more they found themselves empty and broken.
Ironically, there were people who had a pleasant past, too fulfilling, causing them to linger in the past and struggle with the present for the inability to see what's ahead of them. Too much of a past which destruct the present of a life. loneliness...

Loneliness is fascinating.
Loneliness is a code word for what?
That's for you to decide.

**************** Leaning into the afternoon I cast my sad nets
towards Your oceanic eyes
There is the highest blaze my solitude lengthens and flames,
its arms turning like a drowning man's.
I send out red signals across Your seemed-like absent eyes
that move like the sea near a lighthouse.
You keep only light,
from Your regard sometimes the coast of jealousy emerges.
It was intensely of infatuation.

Leaning into the afternoon I fling my sad nets
to that sea that beats of Your marine eyes.
The birds of night peck at the first stars
that flash like my soul when You think of me.
The night gallops on its shadowy mare.
Shedding blue tassels over the land.

-Anon **************** A really heavy-image loaded post. Today is racial harmony day!


me & shuyi. Sylvia. me. shuyi.







**************** Ok. I just feel the urge to put his picture on my blog! Ahhas. Vanness Wu is awfully HOT. Look at that prominent jaw line. It's so pretty. haha.
Ok, fine, I'm being really shallow now. But it's alright to look and be impressed. And I'm impressed with his looks. He can dance really really well too. And his eyes are so tiny weeny unique. Ok, everything about him is so gorgeous!
Fine, I shall stop. HAHA.




**************** YAY! MICBAY IS COMING BACK TOMORROW! Aww. I miss her badly. Church is weird without her. HAHA. But still, yesterday is really good.
A newcomer received Christ! It caught me not prepared. I didn't know I had to share with her, especially in mandarin. She was Ziyi's friend. It was tough. And I was panting while sharing with her, indeed tiring. Not that she is difficult to handle, but it's the mandarin. HAHA, yea.
It's really amazing how God can use my broken mandarin to bring her to know Christ. Ultimately, it's always God that draws. No matter how much you prepare or practice your speech or whatever you call it, and if God's word did not speak forth in power and in truth and most importantly without His anointing, it's not possible to get her to Christ.
I remembered how I used to feel so angry when I actually put in so much effort to get my words in place and the person refuse to receive Christ no matter what.
I realise how important for God to be in every sharing. It's sharing about Him and His love for His people, and if He's not there to draw her personally, I, as a witness is useless.
She readily accepted Christ. The way she said the unrefined Chinese version of the prayer, she was genuine and sincere. She was excited to enter the kingdom of God.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter how imperfect your mandarin is or how you stutter when you speak. For God's presence is already enough to get anyone to Christ in His own timing.

God doesn't require perfection, but rather reliance and trust.
**************** I miss Micbay. And I miss Ade even more. **************** What a day today. It was awful. I never felt so helpless and empty before in this year.
Guess what, I lost my handphone yesterday and today,I forgot to bring my house keys out, worst of all, my ezlink card is spoilt having me unprepared. And I didn't carry any cash with me. Not at all. I was chased out of the bus without any money. So, I actually had to walk all the way from school to Shannon's school which is almost a distance of one mrt station to another. (staying at Shannon's place till my mom come home)
It was really terrible. I can't call. I can't board any transport. I had nowhere to go. I was on the verge of breaking down. Somehow, I just couldn't. Why? I thought. I didn't blame God for anything. I knew that all these happened for a reason. What was it?

Even as I walked and started to pray, God posted this question, "What was it like to lose everything? What would you do? And what if you are asked to live without these things, are you willing to do so for me?"
It just hit me hard, real hard. I could not answer Him. I know it looked like a really small matter. But I didn't think so, and I guess it was the same for God. I suppose it was a lesson learnt; an experience gained; a process to grow.
At that time, I really didn't know how to answer Him. Handphone, ezlink card, cash and keys are the most important things that you carry with everyday. And suddenly, it was all gone. What can I do, I ask myself. I don't even have an answer for that. And if I were ask to live without these things, will I? I really had no idea. It was all materials of the world. But somehow those were essentials for survival. I ended up singing. Singing of How great He is, that He is name above all names and how He's the lover of my soul and He would never let me go.
I know He never let me go. But will I? Will I let Him go? I suppose I will give a 'no' answer. Nay, I won't let Him go. At that time, everything didn't matter at all anymore. If He's the name above all names? Why should I ask for anything below His mighty name? If He's the lover of my soul, what should I love the materials of this world knowing that His love is more than enough?
I told Him, "Lord, if that's what you want me to do, I will. I choose to believe You love me to give me the best. "

Sometimes, all that matters is my God. **************** I lost my handphone! And I'm really depressed. Please pray that I can find it back cause it contains so much informations and contacts! The memory card is 2GB! And don't ask me where I lose it, cause I really have no idea. Boohoohoo. I'm really affected by the disapperance of my handphone. **************** I won the Literature ‘unseen’ debate! Ok, not I, but we! My teammates, whom I really thank God for. We trashed CHIJ(toa payoh) and I felt so good about it. All those little disputes, staybacks in school and late preparations all paid off. I guess this taste of victory really act as a form of encouragement for me to do even better for Literature which I lose interest in after the swop of teachers. I also thank God for blessing me with people who offered me a helping hand, helping me to analysis and interpret the text for me!
Oh well, that taste of victory is indeed unforgettable and honorable. I remembered when I step on stage, that lady gave me a firm hand-shake and said, “Good job ladies. You deserved it.”
I began to ponder upon that statement. If I were to go to Heaven now, will God tell me that I did a great job and that I deserve that honor to be His child and enter His kingdom? Will He? Do I deserve it?
I believe many times I don’t. I never deserve that grace and mercy He never fails to grant me with. That’s why He’s God, for He has that unimaginable grace and mercy to forgive the worst and intolerable mistakes.
No matter how undeserving I am, He grants me grace to live within His love which I can never repay.
As the song goes, I know You gave, the world Your only son for us, to know Your name to live within the Savior’s love and You took my place knowing He’d be crucified and You loved, You loved people undeserving.

He loves me as an undeserving child. And He never fails. **************** Alright. I'm waiting for some people to get online so that I can just get over some lit debate crap. I'm in debt, full of debts. Oh man, assignments are really killing me! I have TWO social studies essays and THREE lit essays to complete by monday! A few math assignments which I can't be bothered taking note cause it's really so much. I'm owing the teachers tons of homework.
And teachers are like, "Hey Lora, you need to be a lil conscientious. You give quality work but less of the right attitude to do it." I was pretty puzzled by that statement. I hand in my work on time and rarely give slip-shot work. What's else is there to expect of me? It's tiring that teachers are getting all over telling me how I can do better when I'm already giving my best.
Oh fine, I know I'm whining. And I shall stop and pray for God to guide me.

Ok, this is for GLADYS LEOW XINRONG who keeps bugging me to post about her. HA.
She is SHORT and tells everyone that, "I'm NOT SHORT KAY!!" when she really is. She talks a lot and never stop. She screams, she shrieks, she just makes the world go upside down. Ok, probably not the world, but at least the cell.
She is horrible cause she laughs so badly and thinks I'm worse. She eats a lot and always fail to start her diet plan. HAHA. Ok, I 'm leaking her deadly secrets out! HA
Well, besides all these she is also a really encouraging small-group leader who really really is faithful! And I remember how she told us in camp that God will be her alarm clock and wake her up when we don't even have any devices to wake us up! That's really great faith in little things! And I really look up to her for that though she is short. Ahaha. Ok, yea. That's about it.
So, GLADYS LEOW. I think I've promised you.

Ok. My blog is becoming to be about people. And there's so many people whom I owe my post about them. It will take a while due to the hectic schedule. So, please be patient alright.
And I shall end here today. MUG NOW! **************** It was just like any Saturdays, tired and consuming. Nothing much to expect there.
It's just another responsibility which is part of my life; to be actively involved in church; to be serving Him & His people.
Every week, cell group will return to that empty basement, with hearts unprepared; with minds distracted. It's a routine to be done. It's lifeless and egotistical. God saw it, God felt it. He caught me detached. He caught me thinking of something else. He caught me half-hearted.
He knew, but He kept silent.
That day, when I was forced to focus on Him out of the routine, when I have reached the verge of walls, He appeared vivid. He appeared real.
His anointing and presence was forbiddingly intense. Time was formless. Voices raised into the heavens. Hearts craved for that soak of His love. It was undeniable. Nothing can resist that sweetness of the Spirit. That vacuity in the basement was swept away by His beauty.
Unworthy I was, yet He chose to embrace me with tender love. That very moment was enough. He is enough for me to overcome storms and fears. He is enough to add vibrancy in my life. All else fades along with that soft strumming strings of the guitar. Grades and achievements fades away in silence. Yes, nothing else matters.
I know I've let Him down. I know that incomprehensive yet overpowering love He has showered me with. How can I have let the world's success dictate the life I want? How can I ever let go of Him upon gazing at His beauty & power? And why should I?
I know I've failed as a child of His, or am I even worthy enough to be His child? Disgusted I was to see the shames of my life being paid by His blood. And I know there is nothing I can offer Him. Thus, I wanna honor Him & bring Him praise even if it cost me my soul.

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring **************** It's really tiring today. I just got back from my friend's brother's wedding. The food is awesome and the place is pretty.
Oh well, not much to say, I shall let photos speak of my night.
And I thank God for them.

**************** HEY! This is specially for CHUA YIJUN! He was jealous that I blogged about shannon and he ticked me off. So I sort of promise him that I will blog about him when I have the time. HA.
He is a very sensitive and VAIN guy. Yes, vain. He looks himself in the mirror with every reflection he sees. And allows no one to touch his 'beautiful' hair. He makes a big fuss when he cut his hair. And it seems to me that his hair is everything that he has. Ok. And chua yijun is a typical himbo. (a male version of bimbo).
He thinks that he is the cause of global warming as he is too hot and no one can stand his heat. That's not true obviously.
Also, he tends to joke a lot and laugh at his own joke, worst of all, no one is laughing! Ok, that itself is already hilarious. AHAHAHA.
Oh well, he is someone who appreciate really good food. Ok, more of like expensive food. Getting to know him and hang out with him, I realise I'm getting poorer each day with the amount of money I spend merely on food! Haiz. *shakes head*

Yes, that was just some stuffs about him. And yes, he can be a very nice guy who called me HIGHNESS. Yeap, I'm his highness! ahahs. All I can say is; a good friend, a compassionate brother, a sacrificial buddy. That's him.
So, yijun, this post is for you. So stop saying how unappreciative I'm towards you alright. Thanks for those prayer sms, small talks, and even hanging out with me on gloomy days! Of course not forgetting those dumb jokes and fun times together! HAHA.You've been great. =)))

There you go, I know you are falling in love with her.


****************

Alright. Past few days have been pretty rough. And I still have not got back my momentum to study. I had my Chinese O's oral. And it didn't go to well. I spoke with really broken mandarin and one of the teachers was yawning while I read.
Many work not done, many unfamiliar concepts, many unprayed prayers. I desperately want to do well for my O's. But by looking at the work in school, so many empty answers to questions. And I know if I don't do well, I'm not gonna go very far.

Oh well, today, Ade's leaving to Aust. Time really flies.
Yesterday, I went out with the cafe crew. (I'm currently not serving in cafe, BUT I will after my O's) We ate at a Japanese restaurant and it was awfully nice! Ok, I meant the sashimi salmon. Well, cafe still has a lovely & cheerful bunch of people. And they really made my day with the laughters and the cares. Thanks. =)
Oh yes, someone said that I'm pretty short for a feminist. Hello?! Who says feminist can't be short?! And I'm not short. I'm average alright. And no, I'm not air-headed, chauvinist! HAHA. And I won't be infected with your chauvinism simply by drinking water from your bottle!
By telling others about the ultimate vacumm cleaner doesn't make you anywhere smarter, the fact that you laugh at stupid jokes. HAHA. Ok, to the chauvinist : This is a heart-lighted post, so..haha, you should know what I mean alright.
Bye ade!

Munkidd. Ade. Me.

****************