"I'm not a born actress, as such, I care about expressing feelings." -Audrey Hepburn

Many times I care too much about feelings and feelings make up my whole world for me. It makes me wonder whether the world I'm living in is the real one. Cause I feel surreal in my own delusion more than anywhere else.

I want to play a grand piano on some gorgeous stage with a million audience.
I want to learn as many instruments as possible; saxophone will be next.
I want to dive in a swimming pool-sized of chocolate fondue.
I want a field flooded with orange daisies.
I want to teleport to Berklee!
I want a library of books with classics, and very very very extremely good books & novels.
I want to own a home movie theatre with my very own ice cream fridge.
I want to direct my own gore movie and write my own gore novel. (this is thrilling.)
I want to get married to some rich guy and be a tai tai. HAH.

@ lolalimlumlabe_92@hotmail.com

Adina Amanda Amethyst Chenchen Esthergoh Estherlee Fionalim Gladys Jono Kennethleow Rachel Yijun Yuhong

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Yesterday, I went to Michelle's place and played with simba! And I'm really in love with him. Yes, him, a dog. At least dogs are so much lovable than humans. HAHA.
When I saw simba, I was reminded of my dog, nut who died three years ago. I went home and frantically search for her photos. And my mom told me she threw away all those photos of nut 'cause it collect dust and keeping those photos will only make the family even more upset. ARGGH!
I MISS NUT! Boohoo.
Ok, nut died because of eating excessive barbequed pork, aka "ba-gua". Yes, I know it sounds amusing. But it's not alright. It's a tragic. Nut loved ba-gua though it was not meant for her. And I fed her too much cause I loved her too much. And she was down with liver failure after a year and the veterinarian told my parents that she could only live for probably the most two months.

It was my fault that she died. In other words, I killed my dog.
NUT. NUT. NUT. NUT...
I miss her badly now. **************** As much as I used to say that loneliness is a code word for something else, (some meant that they had a bad past; never wished to recall, while others meant the longing for something or probably someone), but to me loneliness has been a lifestyle.

That loneliness is unique. It doesn’t exist for any sort of ill reason.
It creeps into my bones and stay still in my heart, never arousing any form of disturbances or agitation. It gives me a chilly, strange yet snug feeling. That loneliness seems so familiar. It seems as if I’ve known it for a long long time, but the recent years of hectic-ness have estranged me away from it. And it became hostile.

Sometimes, that loneliness appeared so intimate, other times, it felt detached. However, it never leaves, it always stays. I have no idea whether that loneliness existed for an ulterior motive to get me down or for a purpose to bring me up. But pretty much so, I enjoyed this loneliness.

Like I always said, loneliness is fascinating. It meant a different context in every individual’s life. To me, that’s my personal touch with loneliness.




**************** Alright. Prelims ain't over yet. And it shall continue right after my september break. Pretty much relaxed and mundane these few days. I don't feel the heat of O level coming yet, definitely not for Prelims too. BUT I'm studying. **************** HEY!! I shall STOP BLOGGING from now onwards till the end of my prelims which offically starts on the 26th of August and ends around mid september I suppose.

See you soon. =)

Last few words to some people.

Shannon: Quit your korean drama addiction and I still think that Yuqing should be with Juhua! HAHA. Anyway, thanks for being there. Your birthday is on the next month, but your present shall arrive after O's. And I'm expecting mine after O's too! (it gotta be better than a card; you know what I mean.)

MichelleBay: I know I need to study. And thank you for pushing me. Pls push me harder! hahas. Have fun oogling at dead bodies in uni! HAHA. I really hope to disect some of them.

Rachel: Drink more water and sleep less (sleep for what you need, not for the leisure part. HAH) Well, your birthday is also coming soon and I shall wish you a happy birthday here! Probably you can ask a treat from Tommy! hahas. (that's a joke, please don't ask him for one.)

Yijun: Actually, I have no idea to say to you. But knowing that you'll say that I'm being unfair by writing to everyone except you, so I'm here to write you something. You are a workaholic. You should take a break and watch korean dramas! HAHA.

Yining: HEY! Sorry for the constant turn downs to study at the prayer house. I'm kinda busy with school and really had no time to head down to bukit timah. You, study well. And I shall practice guitar with you which I suck so much at strumming! AHAS.

Estherchong: That love triangle is totally absurd. And I shall make sure that I will never get involved in that triangle and I will not get that down-syndrome.

Gladys, Olivia, Suyin & Yunmei : YOU FOUR! I shall get back to you after O's. No more smacking and whacking alright. (you know what I mean). And Michael Phelps belongs to none of you people. He belongs to America!! HAHAHA.

Luwei: Hey, I know it's been hard to meet up nowadays. But I promise that we shall meet up tgt with yj and shannon after O's. Yes, that's a promise.

Cafe crew: Hey guys, seem to lost touch with you guys. I will be back right after O's; that's for sure.

**************** MICHAEL PHELPS! If he was to represent S'pore in the Olympics, he would have earned a million dollar for every gold medal he get. And he would have 8 million dollars!!! But America is only offering him 30 thousand for one gold medal which makes up to 240 thousand for eight medals. By winning one gold medal for S'pore is already more money earned than winning eight medals for America. Well, that's nation pride I guess. He is just so good. Alright, saying that he's good would be an understatement.



**************** Alright. I've been really doing some studying this week. And I know without God's strength and grace, I wouldn't have done it. I had my English Oral and it was totally fabulous! I talked way long and practically non-stop. Well, that's what I'm good at actually. Talking. But it doesn't always makes sense! HAHA.
Well, through this English Oral, I really realise how true the meaning when the bible states in Matthew 6:33, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Yes, He will always provide. And I know that when I begin to put Him first in everything that I do, the results are always better than expected.
The topic for conversation was,"Talk about a recent competition that you take part in" and "do you think children should do outdoor activities?"
And indeed I recently took part in a competition and I also come across a lot of articles about children cooping at home. The fluency of my sentences are better than the times I practiced! It's really amazing! Everything just falls in place. And I really thank God for that.
When we give our best, God will do the rest. How true can that be? So true!
**************** I got B3 for Chinese O level! Yeap,B3 B3 B3 B3 B3!!!!!
God is always faithful and will never fail; just like how He faithfully grant me my B3. Praise the Lord.

Psalm 9 :1-2 "I will praise you O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High."
**************** Peeps, sorry for not really being myself nowadays. (Like how I got easily flustered and emotional at times. You know what I mean.)
Questions that you guys asked and I didn't manage to give an answer:

"Hey, what happened to you? Did anything happen?"
;Nay. Nothing happened. I guess I meant by nothing major happened. Not that something happened. Okay, I'm confusing you guys and maybe that's because I myself ain't that sure what happened to me too.

"Is everything going fine? Like your school and family?"
;Yes, it's so fine that I don't even know whether that's a problem itself. Too much of that fineness don't seem to work well for me.

"Why do you have to always speak like that?"
;I'm really sorry for being sarcastic at times. I really didn't mean to do so and I won't find any sort of excuses for my blatant comments.

"Why are you so ignorant, self-absorbed or even emotional?"
;Well, I hope I ain't that way. And I really don't think that I'm self-absorbed. Cause if I am, I wouldn't be bothered to ponder upon that question you posted me with.
;Ok, I choose to be ignorant for certain things like your displeasure and discontentment towards some people. At least I bother to listen. That's the best I can offer you as a friend.
;I know that I'm very emotional and I'm sorry for being that way. I really can't help myself with that. It's too overwhelming I should say.

"Are you doing well spiritually? Are you doing your quality quiet time consistently?"
; Oh please, I do my quiet time everyday. Talking about the quality, probably not all the time. But I really did put in effort for getting my quality up.

"Are you sure you are doing well with God? What exactly is the problem here?"
;I hope you will tell me what's the problem cause I have no idea what the heck happened.

"Are you struggling in your walk with God?"
;I shall manage a yes answer the fact that I tend to be so emotional nowadays. I'm struggling to walk alongside with God. And I find it so difficult to be consistent in my walk with God. I know I need to pray more. And probably fast. I know what I need to do and am still getting on it.

"Why did you stop being who you are?"
;I never stop. I'm always me. I do not struggle with identity problem. I'm sure of who I should be and who I need to be. I'm still getting on it.


These are some questions that I've answered. I know I seem to be angst and troubled. I know that people have been utterly disappointed with me. Well, I just need to sort out my thoughts and emotions and I will get right back at track. Stop advising me and even lecture me. I know what I need to do alright. I guess I'm just tired and worn out.
And don't see me as a troubled kid. I just need to get some time for perhaps a break. ****************


I tumbled upon this video at my school friend's blog. And it's beautifully yet painfully sad. **************** It's been really dead tiring these few days. Having those India students in S'pore is indeed a pleasure. And still looking forward to going out with them. But that definitely kill away so much of my revision time for O's. I'm not confident at all to take my O's or even prelims. I guess the readiness and preparation of my work is where I would get my confidence from, which is something I haven't been consistently doing.

Nothing much these few days. Emotional roller-coaster. I felt like a kid when my emotions are so unstable. Like how a kid would be happy by merely giving her a lollipop and the next moment weeping by taking it away from her. And it's kinda terrible.

Probably seeing how some people around me are facing b-g-r problems really sadden me alot and even contributed to that emotional instability. I believe that b-g-r intensify emotions and it's rather tiring due to the constant dealings of your ups and downs emotions. It's too much and it's a vicious cycle.
What I look for in a relationship is definitely not thrill. But for the constant reliance and trust. Thrill will never last.


Your voice is the soundtrack of my summer,
Lingering at my ear,
Wandering in my head,
I hummed that same old tune.
And at the back of those eyes were uncoloured images.

You were standing there.
I remembered the shadow of your smile,
it was sewn right to my heart.
I asked myself, what can be more beautiful than this?

None. Soon, the beauty faded.
Humid frowns replacing laughters,
Where the air wells up in an afternoon sky.
Clouded tears replacing that once thought bliss,
Where the droplets of rain came hitting right into the pond.
Was it that once felt beauty?

You were still standing there.
All I remembered was the tears shed,
And the screams yelped.
What was that beauty then?

I realised, that was no beauty.
Your voice remained to be the soundtrack of my summer.
Haunting and tearing.
It was merely a love yet jaded lifesong.

-copyright.


**************** It was too much. My strength shakes. My faith wavers. My love fails.

Jaded and dejected I felt. What's going on? Sometimes, it came upon like waves crashing against the rocks. Other times, it came about like a piercing, crescendos silence. Painful but numb.

It sting. Quick and fast. But slow to cure. I don't need anything yet I need something; or probably someone.

The best way who knows how? The ever cure who knows where? Or rather, the emptiness who knows why?

I don't have to be the best. But who doesn't want to be it?

What was it? What was it that seemingly bothers me?

It wasn't anyone. It wasn't God. It was myself.

Struggled to walk firm on that thin fine line. Not crossing over to the world; yet frantically pulling souls to that same line I stood, in redeeming them from hell.

Lonely, yet knowing the reward was eternal. Was that enough?

It's not of any solution would help or anyone could heal. It's a battle.

But what battle? A battle of self or a battle of God?

A battle to seek fame or a battle to seek honor for my master?

A battle to fight of hate or a battle to fight for the unredeemed?

Was it selfless or selfish?

Was it something called love?

Was is someone called Jesus?

Whose battle was it? Was it mine? Was it yours?

Or was it everyone's? ****************