Wednesday, September 30, 2009
HAPPY LAST DAY OF THE MONTH.
I remember I used to write fancy little notes and letters to this classmate of mine on the first day of the month or the last day of the month. Or even on any random days.
I've been thinking about her lately, and I miss her.
I've been blogging alot lately, especially when Promos has already arrived !? Wtheck right. I can't sleep. And I can't study too.
Andd, my phone is dead. My sim card is faulty and Singtel is suppose to activate my new sim card within 3 hours. And 14 bloody hours have passed, it's still not done. Singtel 's so inefficient.
As much as I enjoyed my Birthday month, my september is screwed up. September felt so long, tiring, emotional, vexing. It's draining my soul. Wake me up when september ends - That's my thought, the moment I think of how my september sucks. haha.
On a personal note...
I can't bring myself to see certain people. Cos I don't wanna lie to them yet the truth coming directly from my mouth will smack them right in the face. But truth always hurts.
As much as my life isn't about me myself and I, I don't want my lifestyle or the way I am now hurt anyone, especially my close and loved ones. Ultimately, I know what I'm doing and I've to face the consequences later on. But the only thing that aches my heart most is when loved ones choose to grieve and tries to convince me that I should stop. Some give orders just to stop me. I can't take the guilt that is induced when I see them being so concerned. It aches so much cause the guilt continues to eat into my heart yet I feel so hopeless.
Thing is, what if... I can't get over my past, never can I. Or what if... I don't wanna get over it and I just wanna stay at where I am. Stagnant, forever. Cos I don't have the strength to go on, neither do I want to continue to walk this pricky path barefooted.
I don't want wallow in selfpity or to dwell in if onlys. Yea, if only I don't met him, if only I made the right decision. If onlys happen in an ideal facade that we have dyingly wished for which will never come true in reality.
Sometimes, the only way to stay sober is doing what I need to fill that constant void. Everyone needs love. And I lack the courage to love, to care. Cos love, it generates energy and pain which my heart doesn't have the capacity to uphold. Maybe being strong is me trying to be something I am not. And trying hard doesn't makes me a stronger person. It kills my hope to even live on life.
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Sunday, September 27, 2009
3am. I’m fucking depressed. F1rocks ttm. But then something else happened. I’m pissed. ‘A’ broke my heart. And I wondered if it’s true when people say that Caucasians aren’t Asians’ cup of tea. We are just from different worlds. Maybe I’m just mesmerized by the blue eyes and sexy accent. Or totally attracted by his cheekbones and his bod.
I’ve no idea why I’m fretting about what happened when Promos is just the next day. I’m gonna flung it real bad. I think I’m gonna do even worse than Fred.
I think I’ll retain. Retaining in Pj is totally a bad idea. It’s as if staying in the hellhole for two dread long years aren’t enough, I still need another year. Fml.
Talking about F1, it was… just not as thrilling as I thought it would be. But I enjoyed the after party and concert. Totally awesome. And I got my VIP PASS, thanks to A. I’m freaking privilege pls. I got to see celebrities upclose, backstage. Blackeyed peas, beyonce. And NODOUBT, cool like shit.
Got away from the crowd at canning and had a talk, which was really sweet. But I’m fucking upset with him. Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen too deep from the start cause he’s just from Mars and I’m from Venus.
Fingers crossed. Don’t retain. Do well. Get over and done with.
And get my life back.
Mood : Cranky. Fucked up. Thrilled. Messed up. Jaded.
Totally insane.
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Monday, September 21, 2009
I made him cry. I made her cry. Fuck it, I'm sucha disappointment.
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Sunday, September 20, 2009
I've no idea how to get through this vicious cycle. Yes, vicious. Tormenting & aching. It keeps coming back and each time my heart cringe, it feels as if I can just suffocate and die. I don't wanna hang by the cliff anymore, cause I haven't got any strength to stay on. I need to be at the top of the mountain to catch a breather.
Today, I hurt you. I did something bad. I did it for love & hate. I want to make your heart ache the way you pierced my heart. I want you to tremble and cringe when you realise how empty your heart is, the way I felt when you weren't there.
We don't need to do this. But you make me doubt you, your words, your heart. You make me wonder, who you really are and who truly matter deep down in your very heart. If only I could pry open your mind and find the answers myself, my life wouldn't be so miserable. And as much as you love, you hurt. Maybe because your definition of love is different from mine. I want to end this, only when you choose to disappear entirely.
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Friday, September 11, 2009
SKINS.
Ok, I know I shouldn't be posting this when I ought to bury myself in books. But, Skins is really addictive. I totally love the cast. And trust me, it's not exactly a flop. British actors are way hotter. Their accent minus the f wordss will totally blow your mind off. Ok, warning, loaded with photos.
Now, presenting to you... SKINSSSSSSS ! ! !
First off, Nicholas Hoult aka Tony in the show. The male lead in the show. His eyes are really attractive. And his cheek bones are totally gorgeous. Eh, according to Rach, he's bisexual in real life. But I reallyyyy love him ! Reminds me of josh hartnett though.
Second, MITCH HEWER (maxy)! Ok, he's my FAVOURITE. Cos he's blonde. Though, not natural, but he pull it off and look slick in it. Suits him not just well, but WOW. And he's just...ok, I'm speechless. He has this set of dimples when he smiles. Great bod. Great looks. Great attitude? Ok, fingers crossed. I hope I'll see him when I go UK this end of year. I'm praying really hard now.
Below is Mike Bailey (Sid). He's this goofy nerd, cute in his own way. He's usually not in the limelight. But he's a really good actor. I love his role! Strong yet sensitive.
Joseph Dempsie (Chris) up next. Oh man, he's really charismatic & cranky. Cute as well. Naughty bad boy kind. He's funny. Without him, Skins will be boring without humor. HAHA. Happy-go-lucky. And I cried cos...ok, go watch Skins. I don't wanna be a spoiler.
Dev Patel (Anwar). Ok, he's my least favourite. But still funny like Chris. In fact, funnier. He loves macho women in the show. Like those aggressive women, quite i think. He has this easy-going personality. Oh btw, he's horny & is easily turned on both cast & off scenes. HAHA.
Now, the girls. Lead Actress, April Pearson (Michelle). Cool personality. Sexy. But she doesn't really give me the wow factor.
Larissa Wilson (Jal). I think she's really smart. Those kind whom don't really need to study yet pull off with straight Ace. Pretty, and I love her personality. Just someone you would really like to have as close friend. Go to her if you need a hug. (:
Hannah Murray (Cassie). I love her name, cas ! She's lovely & really sweet. She's just a lil eccentric. Like Mich, no wow factor, but great smile.
"I like what I like, but I love everything."
Ok, Kaya Scodelario (Effy). She's the WOW factor I'm talking about. She's beautiful & gorgeous. Her features are really perfect, like flawless. And great body. It's an understatement just wanting to be her sister. I wouldn't even mind changing sex to be her boyfriend ! One word, hot. Prettier than angelina jolie right!
Ok, that's about it. It's 3am in the morning. And I've got sch next early morn. Wish me luck that I can wake up.
SKINS.
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Friday, September 4, 2009
Short & Fragmented.
I'm addicted to Skins (serial drama)
I heart Mitch Hewer.
I cried at the end of season one.
I'm finishing season two. Hopefully tonight.
Promos is round the corner. Three more weeks to be specific.
I need time. I need memory storage. I need sleep.
I've yet to start my revision.
I'm feeling jittery.
I need the adrenaline rush. I need the punch.
I need to stay sober. Screw getting drunk.
This should be my last post till promos.
Sleep. Run. Mug. Eat. That's the life. Cool shit.
To my special one, no cold shoulders.
tell me what's wrong.
right signs. wrong words.
snuggle. scent. soothe.
hulahoops with peace signs.
I miss you & your voice.
I love you.
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