Saturday, November 29, 2008
Ok. It's near 4am. And I'm not sleeping. Though this year, I skipped overseas holidays, my body clock is haywire. I sleep at 4 or 5am and wakes up at around 2? WOW, plain madness. Another week of my holiday is over. And this week is pretty tight as well. monday : headed down to church for a workshop and then to a bbq which is pretty interesting. get to know new people. and they sure are funny. =) tuesday : Went for a sleepover at this huge house! Thank you _ _ _ _ _ for opening your house for us! definitely had lotsa fun. long beach walks; long chats; sunrise. it's pretty. I never quite like the way of people saying how they wish time could stop at this moment. But for once, I actually buy that. And though your slumber party didn't turn out as one, HAHA. We sure laugh our heads off with that stupid papaya game! wednesday : came back from the sleepover & headed down to the national library alone in the evening to get some books. Kinda like being alone for awhile. And I've finished reading one book I borrowed. I need more BOOKS. thursday : out with a few people for steamboat to celebrate jaslyn's birthday. and caught the movie, quarantine as well. Good plot, but lousy ending. once again jaslyn, happy birthday sweetheart! friday : slept almost the whole day. woke up around 6pm. that explains why I'm still awake now uh. HAHA. I indeed had too much fun and stuffs going on this holiday. I thought I would love all this. But it's getting a lil dreadful now. I'm expecting something more out of this holiday. So comeon holiday, don't disappoint me. =D*though there were photos for almost everydays, but i'm way too lazy to upload photos.oretjirjgjnr. HAH.
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lover of my soul.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
That Saturday, should I say it was phenomenal? Or rather it was just something close to my heart? My eyes were brimmed with tears as I recalled that corner I stood where that same old love song lingered in my heart. I remembered that Voice. I remembered that peace. And I felt it. Those arms wrapped around me, I know He’s there.
As the band continues to play, Jesus, lover of my soul, Jesus I’ll never let you go…
Those words simply seeped through my heart. I began to weep like nobody’s business. How ashamed I was. How screwed I felt. How wretched I am. That song, it reminds me of my life. My past, my present, my future. My everything. That, my lifesong I should say.
I was terribly screwed with everything and anything. My responsibilities, my visions, my loved ones, I screwed every single one of it. Everything was out of place. I felt I’ve reached to my maximum and I couldn’t go on anymore. But then again, I don’t wish to turn to Him. I don’t want to seek and pray. I hated the fact that He has to always be so whole and great. I hated the fact that He has to be so perfect and mighty that everything is under His control. And I hated the fact that He has to be my only resort for everything and anything. And I didn’t wanna go back to church anymore.
Yet, I chose to go back, because I had nowhere to go on a Saturday and I didn’t want to lie about my whereabouts to my leaders either.
I stepped in, not hoping for anything. My heart was already hardened. I don’t wish for anything to come by. In other words, I’ve given up my relationship with Him.
As soon as the service comes to a closing, I stood up upon hearing that song. I hummed along that tune…As I searched my heart deep down; I know He will always be my love. For He does not give as the world gives, the love and peace that He placed in my heart was undeniable and overpowering. Yes, I love Him and I need Him. No matter how wretched I was, no matter how I collapsed, He’ll never leave. Yet, why did I leave when He chose to stay by me?
I was ashamed. I didn’t dare to lift up my head to face Him. Why did I hurt Him over and over again? Why did I choose everything and anything over Him over and over again?
He repeatedly said this, nothing else but this, “I love you no matter what. I love you no matter what…” But that was enough for me to know. I just need to know that.
Jesus lover of my soul
Jesus I’ll never let you go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay
You’ve set my feet upon the Rock
Now I know
I love you
I need you
Though my world may fall
I’ll never let you go
My saviour
My closest friend
I’ll worship you
Until the very end
"I love you no matter what..."
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commitment.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Something that kennethleow said lead me into deep thoughts. "What was I afraid of?"
Whenever I heard over the announcement about water baptism, I tend to feel uneasy. I know sooner or later I shall get baptised. But there's always this inner voice that counter with that fact, "Let's wait. It's just not now." Everytime when I've decided to do so, I'll ultimately shove that thought away thinking there's always a next time.
kenneth is right. What was I afraid of? Why was I afraid?
I knew the answer. But I never dared to admit it.
I was very sure how my God is real and true as I've personally encountered Him. The peace and love that He grants me with; it's totally beyond anything anyone can offer. I was very certain that the bible is totally true. And no, I don't doubt whether the writings are right. They are obviously right. I knew Him ever since young. The miracles and wonders that He has done in my life truly reflects how real this loving Father is.
But, I was afraid to get baptised. Because I know getting baptised is a commitment. It's my commitment with God. It isn't kids' play. It's like a marriage where you get married into Christ. I was sure of God. But I wasn't sure of myself. In some ways, I didn't want to be tied down to this marriage. Like how God's beliefs tends to be the opposite of the world's. And how some of the pleasures of the world are sinful desires in God's eyes. As sinners, we are in this constant struggle to be godly and righteous. This constant struggle is something which I know I have to go through. But most of the time, I don't wish to.
I was afraid that I couldn't live up to being a christian when I get baptised. I know that baptism doesn't mean that I will be totally stripped off of all my sins and bondages and be perfect and good for the rest of my life. I was afraid that I couldn't live up to that promise of being committed and I would be a bad christian who reflects badly on God's glory.
And in many sermons and talks, we know how martyrs had been persecuted and treated harshly and I'm definitely very impressed with them. I stood in awe for their faith and courage. It's obviously commendable. But I know I will definitely not be that one.
I told this to God before, "Lord, please don't let me be like one of them cos I'm pretty sure I'll disown You." I wasn't afraid of death. I was just afraid of the pain and torture I had to go through before I even die.
I know it appeared to be so self-centred. Or maybe it IS very selfish. It may even appear that I was running away from this commitment. But that's the way it is. I can't help it. And it's definitely very saddening to hear this.
One thing that kenneth added on,"Will I regret for not making the decision now?"
I know I would. I just don't know how to overcome this fear.
Sorry for never being there.
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Sunday, November 16, 2008
Alright. The very first week of my holiday has passed. And it's already killing me. It's more tiring than O's. But I really love it. =)
The funny thing is, I've got a sudden outbreak of pimples on my forehead during this week but I didn't get any during that stressful period of O's. I think this only shows that I play harder than I study! HAHA. Ok, sidetrack. This week was barbeque with my whole bunch of primary school friends whom I've known for eight years. That's like half of my entire life. And definitely. We had to shop for stuffs before the bbq. I shall just let the pictures tell you about that thursday. 
This is chenchen, ningyi and kenneth! To kenneth: yes, you are so 'EXOTIC'!
Kenneth, upon hearing the songs played in Giant, he couldn't control himself. And that's me with the disgusting prawns. If you stare at them hard enough, you will actually think that we are still alive!
And on the day of bbq. Many people came. And I really love to see all of them. Definitely all of us changed somehow. But I guess, we are still able to grow attached to one another whenever we see each other. I seriously love amy, ningyi, cherissa and debbie (I seriously thank God you are in church). and yes cherissa, how can we forget about those times in pri sch? =)
Ok. these are some of the photos we took.
I love this photo. <3
I love this photo as well.
top: kenneth, cavin, jingkuang
bottom: ningyi, me, amethyst.
Kenneth tends to call most of us his darlings and honeys. Well, yes. This entourage shall always be held dearly in my heart. They are my darlings and honeys as well.
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008
O LEVEL HAS OFFICALLY ENDED TODAY. AND... IT SPELLS FREEDOM. Yes, that sweet scent of FREEDOM. Alright. Today was the start of my tai-tai lifestyle. HAHA. Right after my last paper, me and shannon headed down to get my eyebrows trimmed. And later on, together with shannon, went to her place and get our nails done. After blowing and drying our nails, they headed to lot one for a hair cut and did some shopping. And yes, it's so tai tai. HAHA. But well, there's more to come. And I'm really loving it. For the whole ten months, I've been telling anyone this statement : "Let's wait right after O's. I promise." And now, it's kinda weird how O's is REALLY OVER. And that I can do whatever I WANT. Well, almost everything I want I suppose. HAHA.
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Monday, November 10, 2008
I returned to cafe. And I'm pleased to be back. =)Ok. I really really really really need to tell you something no matter how superficial and shallow I'm going to sound. Cus I can't take it anymore! AHAHAHA.
Me and michellebay had a wild time talking about jawlines of guys in cafe. And that's what makes a guy good-looking in my opinion. HAHA. Yes, I know it's so shallow. But really. It's so important. And I think I will measure the degree of the guy's jawlines before considering marrying him. HAHAH. And my mom was telling me how good-looking guys are just guys who have their features properly altered by God. That was funny when my mom said it. She's so cute. ahahha. 
He's daniel something. And look at that jawline! It's just so gorgeous! HAHA
Ok. Thank you for putting up with my superficiality.
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Wednesday, November 5, 2008
strike them with terror, O Lord;
let the nations know they are but men.
-psalm 9:20
Alot of stuffs in my mind and I really wish I could rant it all out before they all get flushed it off.
Yes Lord. Strike me down with terror and let me know I'm mere human. I'm tired of the ons and offs. Someone once told me this before, "the people who truly excel is those who spot the problem and rectify it." Well, I can hell spot so many problems. And yea, I guess many know that I have a problem with negativities. I spot so many problems and negativities. But then again, I'm not exactly one who rectifies it. And that's definitely my failing part.
Ok, to make my point first. I hope I won't be deemed as a trouble seeker/ emo/ attention seeker when I spot negativities. And in many things, I see the irony. But then again many times, I choose to keep mum. Because whenever I choose to make my stand on sth, my actions will somehow be deemed as defiance or rebellion. Why can't my stand be seen as a form of curiousity? And yes, I really don't get it. And I hope I will get a good explanation out of this.
I know that there are times when I give a hard time to the people around me. And I don't know whether to say that it's my nature. But to tell the truth, I never liked being the way I am. Not that I hate it alot. But the frowns and stares just annoy me to the core. They let me feel as if I was a freak from a total different world from you. But no, we are living in the same earth, same planet. And it's even worst when you try to play pretend with me. Trying to be nice and stuffs. Doing all sorts of 'helpful and productive' things and playing the accountable partner when deep down you never truly care and give a heck about my life. So come on, let's be honest with each other no matter how we have to tell each other that we suck. And being honest with me is caring for me.
I know I'm an ass. And in many things, I'm not doing enough. I'm not giving my best. And I only give my best shot when it's the last shot. And I would be hypocritical if I said I put God first in my life. There are loose baggages here and there that I know I should sweep off. So many things that I’ve let loose and so many times I’ve been selfish in my thoughts and actions. I know that knowledge is not enough, and I need to act on it and do sth about it. Actions always speak louder.
I have to admit that I haven't been doing well spiritually, definitely emotionally as well. And I'm working on it. But when I'm not doing well, please don't deemed me as a prisoner. Cos the Lord didn't create anyone to be gorgeous, perfect and beautiful. And everyone has their rough patches. So, I will gladly ask of you to lessen those stares and frowns. And get down on your knees and pray for me; if you truly care and love me.
And please Lord, strike my heart with fear so that I will come to learn how limited I am as a human. And many times I’ve been so unfaithful and selfish with You and with my community. I pray that You demonstrate to me how to love the people around me.
And You take lead of how I should lead my life.
Cast away all my selfish doings and let Your glory be magnified in my life.
I’m sick of this lifestyle.
Change it and mould it.
Lead me Lord, to calvary. Amen.
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Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Ok. I had a weird dream. It seems so real actually. I woke up believing that I had truly gone through that. Ok, I shan't keep you in suspense. It's really freaky. I dreamt that I'm in war. And I'm a warrior. Like, a warrior, One who fights in the war. And the leader actually. (But in real life, I can't fight for nuts. Wait, I've never tried before!)It was some weird uniform and I can't make out what I was fighting for, or why I was fighting. But I knew I had to fight. Just then, I heard mutiple gunshots. And I took out this brown tommy-gun from I had no idea where and kept firing. I was firing at, not people. But LIZARDS AND CROCODILES. REPTILES. It's more like a clan of reptiles I'm fighting against! (weird uh. indeed and very.)I seriously abhor reptiles. They are the most disgusting things on earth. And yes, I declared war with them. HAHAHA. And I fought with them. There was an army of people behind me. And there were some familar faces too. I saw YINING. ESTHERCHONG. MICKON. TOM. WAIKIT. AMY. FIONASEAH. SHANICE. SYLVIA. Like, various people from church, school and deans. I think there are more people, but I can't really remember. HAHA. These people's faces were strict and I could see the frowns on every faces. They were ready to fight! They took out swords and rifles. It felt as if it was in the narnia era. But again, it felt like world war two era. Actually, it's a mixture of both I think. Then we fought and fought. And I saw blood splattering all over the place. And I smirked. Later on, I shouted,"VICTORY! VICTORY! IT BELONGS TO USS!!" And I let out fits of vicious and hysterical laughter. AHAHHAHAHA. And we popped champange and wine and called in for a huge celebration. And that was in the gladiator era. We were dancing and screaming at the top of our voices. ESTHERCHONG did a so-called victory dance on the table and screamed. She then ran around pouring wine on people and continued to scream. HAHAHA. And there was TOM stuffing himself with food at the table. And he demanded the servants to bring in more food as it wasn't enough. FIONASEAH was playing the harp and then she stripped like king david and dance. (ok, this is so RA. AHAH.) Overall, it was madness. And after that, I woke up. Heaving. It was a dream. A very weird one.
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Sunday, November 2, 2008
update. update. updateeeeee. alright. The state of my mind right now is pretty crazy. I'm very restless now. And I need to rant. Tomorrow is my social studies paper and I'm not studying. I know I ought to grab my book and just chunk informations in my brain. But every inch of my body and cells in my brain are pulling me away from books. ARRGH. I need therapy or something.
And worst of all. I lost my phone, AGAIN. Yes, again. And I'm utterly angry with the person who stole it and with myself of my carelessness. Goodness.
I'm really looking foward when all my papers come to an end. But then again. The holidays are taking its own sweet time to arrive. Or rather, the papers are taking way too long to end. ARGGH. annoying. annoying. annoying. pfft.
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