"I'm not a born actress, as such, I care about expressing feelings." -Audrey Hepburn

Many times I care too much about feelings and feelings make up my whole world for me. It makes me wonder whether the world I'm living in is the real one. Cause I feel surreal in my own delusion more than anywhere else.

I want to play a grand piano on some gorgeous stage with a million audience.
I want to learn as many instruments as possible; saxophone will be next.
I want to dive in a swimming pool-sized of chocolate fondue.
I want a field flooded with orange daisies.
I want to teleport to Berklee!
I want a library of books with classics, and very very very extremely good books & novels.
I want to own a home movie theatre with my very own ice cream fridge.
I want to direct my own gore movie and write my own gore novel. (this is thrilling.)
I want to get married to some rich guy and be a tai tai. HAH.

@ lolalimlumlabe_92@hotmail.com

Adina Amanda Amethyst Chenchen Esthergoh Estherlee Fionalim Gladys Jono Kennethleow Rachel Yijun Yuhong

June 2008July 2008August 2008September 2008October 2008November 2008December 2008January 2009February 2009March 2009April 2009May 2009June 2009July 2009August 2009September 2009October 2009November 2009December 2009January 2010February 2010March 2010April 2010May 2010June 2010July 2010August 2010September 2010October 2010November 2010December 2010January 2011February 2011March 2011April 2011May 2011June 2011

PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE % Pictures: Photobucket
% Brushes/Fonts: Henri Eshita
% designer: Weannz
% Basecode: Weannz

to someone special, I know you are still there. But just not by my side. Where are you? I miss you dearly. Though we have long ago decided that we should go separate ways, but we know it seems impossible. It's almost half a year, and I've gotten over the fact. I really did. We've moved on with life as usual; smses, long msn convos, late phone calls, rants & everything. It's just that we rarely meet, due to my tight schedule and your never ending outings. But where were you for the past one month? It just dawned upon me how you are still a huge part in my life. It feels weird when you aren't online, it feels empty when my phone isn't ringing. It bothers and disturbs me that you aren't here anymore. Please don't disappear like this, you never do such things. But why the sudden change? I miss you darling. And I wanna hear from you soon. ****************

Downcast. Gloomy.
How to say this?
It's not like anything major happened, or something grieving occurred.
It's just apathy. Ah, it sounds familiar. It felt even more familiar.

Everyday, it's like attending a masquerade party.
Where people wear masks. Glittery and pretty. It all look nice.
But what lies beneath those masks, it's just so much of truth; ugly truth probably.
And most of the times, I realise how I'm part of the party, wearing a mask.
A mask, I thought can attract people. A mask which has so much vanity in it where people admire, respect and bow for you.
People, aren't those who wore masks too?
It's a crazy party where people cheat people. We are all in this party.

I wanna be as truthful as possible. I want to take down this mask and flung it away.
Imagine being an old lady with a walking stick and look back to only realise my life has always been a facade. It has only been one that look so pretty and fulfilling, but it's just an empty shell.
It's scary.

I want to say that I need God badly. I want to say that life has not been any better without God. And how painfully I want to be in God's presence once again. All the responsibilities and expectations that I shun, were just a shield to guard against people's disappointments in me. I don't want people to disappoint. That guilt trip it will put me on. It's a never ending and torturing trip.
And I'm not as strong. I can't handle my emotions and thoughts.

Some die hard feelings just don't go. Some wounds just don't heal. I felt that I never actually moved on. Trapped.
If only the world can be black and white. No grey areas, no overlapping. There wouldn't be any confusion.
Why does it feels like this everytime?


Like I wrote in my diary, "I love you, but why are you always so disappointing?"
And I hear God saying this to me.

**************** Kris allen won the title of american idol 2009 ! I'm glad, reallyy glad. Though he may not be as charismatic as Adam, but he earned my respect and admiration with his humlilty and sincerity !

Adam can defnitely sing well. His performances are always a bomb.
He's GAY ! And he was found kissing another guy. That's well, gross.

But one thing I can't deny, he's charming and hot. male who charmed girls...AND guys (gays). good job, adam lambert !

He sure looks good.

Ok, holidays are coming. Yet, I fear that I would sink in so much to my holiday mode that I totally forget about studying and revising. Please no, I wanna do well. Hoping for a productive and fulfilling june holiday !

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Oh oh ohhhh, before I forget, thank you joehann dan ng ! I received your parcel this morning when I woke up ! It's lovely k. Though the box is in pink, the grey knitted sweatshirt, red mufflers and the brown gloves, they are beautiful. (why these colors?)
I think I would rarely have a chance to wear it, but then again thanks ! Did you knit the sweatshirt ? ! Cause there are no labels to it.
And andd the photo in the letter is funny ! haha. aww, I really miss you ! when you coming back !? thanks so much buddy. (:

to somebody special, I miss you if you ever realise.

**************** I miss my mom badly. badly. terribly. horribly. desperately.

canned food for the past few days. I miss my mom's cooking !

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It's may. I used to love the month of may alot.
The idea of flowers blooming and where the sun tainted the field of grass.
And whipped cream splashed all over pretty sundresses.
Having cakes and tea under a huge tree.
Lying on each other backs, laughing and embracing the very moment.
Hoping that the moment would freeze for the joy that we had.
It would be better if I've a picture to show it.


I always believe that the love of God is radical, powerful and so overwhelming. It still is. Until then, it all changed. Everything that used to be swirling and hurling settled down in a jar. It lay there quietly. I thought it was God. It was His change of heart. I was here all along. But I was wrong. It wasn't God, it was me.

What was it that change this heart? This heart that used to yearn for the undying love of God. Where did it go? Is christianityso simple that it's just about loving God and others? Because it always felt like a constant struggle to stay in God's light. A mugging and silent struggle to give things up in life. Or was it merely the state of mind?

"In everything, there's always both sides. The good and the bad. The problem here doesn't lies with which you believe in. But rather, which you choose to amplify and diminsh. It's all in the state of the mind. No one can make it work out unless you think it out yourself. It's all within your ability." Words like these made the whole bus ride home so taxing and heavy. But probably that's all I need to hear.

It's been a long time ever since the past gradually fade and wounds heal in small doses. And I realise it's now time to do something with what I have. No more running away, no more hiding in corners. No more of these.

**************** ok, I'm done with ProjectWork's PI final draft! ! YEAHH ! I'm happy.

These few days have been ok. Never felt so ok before? haha. (that doesn't sounds right uh)
Well, pretty happy days I should say.

But I've got lotsa stuffs to do.
I gotta clear my table. Pack my notes.
Complete my homeworkss; essays; tutorials.
Revise econs. Starting from demand & supply.
Read the whole Part one of my lit book.
Rewatch the play, Taming of the Shrew.
Watch Wide Sargasso Sea, (heard it's like porn. hahah)

And I'm very very extremely motivated to mug and study. Don't ask how it happen, i don't know. haha
I'm going to TRY to be a good student, and not skip school unneccessary. God, help me.

And I miss shannon, lester (?) and yijun.
I'm sorry shannon that we had to postpone it. =(
I miss fiona & shanice.

And I miss deans even moreee. josie, esthergoh, waikit!
And i kinda miss seb?

Basically, I miss many people. And I know ALLL OF THEM LOVE ME AND MISS ME AS MUCH. (:

right now, happy and nostaglic.



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