fresh start.
Monday, December 29, 2008
I hope that I will be getting more with what I have now. I don’t wish for anything more sometimes. Yet, there’ll be times when life plays a lil trick on you. It will get on your back and tries to offer you a lil more of it, leading you to think that probably there’s really more in life and more to life. Most of the time, I buy that because no one truly wish to have just that in life. Anyone and everyone always wish to have more. And I’m no exception. So when I said I don’t wish for anything only applies to sometimes.
Well, hopefully the twist of lifestyle will allow me to have a twist of perception. All I am looking for is merely a breakthrough. A breakthrough of what I am and have now; simple as that.
I’m not giving up on anything. I’m just trying. Trying to see how far this twist is going to get me to. And definitely I hope it will bring me far. But sometimes the truth will always remain as that. If this is how far it can bring me to, then probably this twist of lifestyle is not what I’m looking for. Then, if this twist allows me to experience that breakthrough, I’ll definitely move on with it. I want to hold on to things which makes me feel it’s worth the grip and choose to let go of things which totally brings me down and drags me to burdens, tiredness and leading me in circles and circles.
I both need and want a fresh start. Fresh start of who I want to be; fresh start of my entourage; fresh start of life basically. I don’t want to be tied down to disciplines and routines. I don’t want to lead life aimlessly and blindly. I don’t have to in fact. So, this fresh start begins.
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memories.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
The rain pattered insistently against my window pane. I thought, was I as persistent and obstinate just like the rain. Has it gone too far? Or was it just the beginning? Time has lost control of itself. There wasn't any mark of the beginning nor the ending. Formless, I should say. But one thing was clear, the past was always there. I told myself with conviction, "My past must be dealt with." The voice of my subconscious mocked me then. "The past is never dealt with, dear. It's our past that creates us."
Soon, those unwanted words flit into my head and the treacherous memories began to slide back to when I was then. Yes, then. I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and opened the box which was filled with the scent of memories. I took out a stack of letters yellowed by age and a few photographs. Slowly, I opened the letters. Love poured off the pages and and for a few seconds, I believed it.
I looked down at those words written on the thin paper all those years ago and grief threatened to overwhelmed me- grief for what could have been, and for what should have been. An intense pain flooded my body. I staggered to the nearest chair as strength left me and slumped onto it. My hands rose to my head and gripped both sides of it as though by doing so I could fight the images that were forcing themselves in.
It was as though a projector in my head had sprung into life. A stream of unwanted pictures from the past flooded my mind. Why, I wondered. A voice came into my head and spoke sternly to me, "Stop wishing for the past. Leave it as that and move on. Let's move on."
I knew the voice spoke the truth. But the memories that I had repressed resurfaced, cleared the protective mist from my mind and sent back in time, to when one nightmare ended and another began.
How true was it when you said you love me?
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Saturday, December 20, 2008
Back from camp. And couldn't offically get my rest. When I said offically, it simply means that I could sleep till as and when I like. HAHA. When I reached home on thursday, I recieved a call from sebastian. And the conversation went like this : "hey girl, I've bought goodie goodie for you!"And I went : "What goodie?!" (I thought he was referring to gummies or sweets. But I was happy cos I'm recieving a gift!)And he said : "I shall give it to you when we meet for dinner." When we were out, I was anticipating. And guessed what he gave me.He gave me a ntuc bag with something in it all crumpled up. And in it was a bottle of whitening moisturising cream. Initally I was very offended cos it reminded me of this classmate of mine who wanted to gave a girl a bottle of whitening moisturising cream on her birthday cos he felt that she had terrible skin! I was like : "Soo, this is the goodie goodie?!"And not knowing how to react, Sebastian simply said : "yea!"I didn't look happy. And only after forty seconds that he realised what was going on and laughed it off by saying : "nah. I thought you wanted to have fairer skin & it would be a good idea to get you this. BUT, you're beautiful enough."Ok, that was very sweet. =) thank you besty for being so nice. And you ALWAYS have goodie goodie for me! "I'm trying to be there for you..."
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Monday, December 15, 2008
DEAD TIRED. So bummed out.
I haven't really got the time to rest and sleep. And somehow my body seems to be working fine. And that makes me worry if there's something wrong.
Zouked out yesterday. I was there tattooing like nobody business. It was simply wildness! People were screaming, shrieking, yelling, laughing. In one word, high. Gladly, I had
sebastian with me. We saw
claris, jon, ding kuang, josie & yurie. Left in the midst for supper. The
teh tarik was freaking good! HAHA. And the company definitely made the teh tarik even better. Thanks darlings. =))
Ok, tomorrow's camp. And I haven't packed anything yet. And maybe I should end it off here and get ready for tomorrow. Goodbye.
P.S. Really enjoyed your company guys. And thanks seb, you've been great. =)
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Friday, December 12, 2008
I know I've gone MIA for some time. So I'm now back for a quick update. I'm working now as an airbrush tattooist at sentosa. And definitely, I totally love it. =)))You get to see and know all sort of people. And when I say all sort, it's literally that! And my boss is a very nice indian lady. So, my job is rather fun and relaxing compared to those sit-in office work. So, this is my workplace like. =)
AND THERE ARE MONKEYS AT SENTOSA! THEY ARE RASCALS.
They snatch FOOD. (like those at bukit timah hill)
They dig into the dustbin and make a mess everywhere. One of the days, I saw this monkey that snatched the milk bottle from a baby in the pram. The baby later on shrieked and screamed till her face turned red. Those monkeys there aren't really scared of humans. They just somehow dominated sentosa! ok fine, that's plain exaggeration. HAH.
Peacocks are so ACTION. They will flaunt their feathers not just at the opposite sex but at people as well. Peacocks create quite alot of scene in sentosa. There'll be tourists getting all fascinated by them that they are at this 'constant ready mode' on their camera so that they can take a picture of a peacocks with their feathers out. And when the peacocks flaunt it, they literally went crazy. I saw a group of old japanese men that ran after the peacock just to get a pic!
Alright. And tattoos which simply look real. It'll fade probably after a few weeks.
And that's fiona & me. =)
That's all about my new job. And sorry people for all the non-return phone calls and text messages. Catch up some day.
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heavy.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Today felt so heavy. Though everything happened not long ago, but it seems like a long long time. I made a trip down to holland v. Supposedly to be a pleasant trip. But all those memories just overwhelmed me. And somehow, those memories just got hold of my emotions. Everywhere seemed to hide your shadow. I thought it was merely a visit. I guess I was totally wrong. It turned out to be some memory trip which became too much for me to handle.
And worst of all, the bus trip was even more depressing. It just suck to have all those images running through my mind with soo much details in it.But I'm determined to get it all right. No matter how I'm gonna do it, I have to and I will. And I'm really doing fine after all.
On a lighter note, I got myself some cash to spare cos I found myself a job. =)
After all, I guess it was true when someone told me that putting thoughts into words will allow a better view to situations, probably better understanding & rather less consuming. It ain't really something terribly difficult to get over. =)
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