This tiny wrecked space is for my unsatisfied heart w profuse rants that shun people away. Feeling like I'm in a shithole. I feel binded by all the shit people say or do.
Many are in this pretence of being tough and independent, but I shall be the first to admit that I'll kill myself if I'm going to live life without anyone. That would mean me alone in the world. Is that even possible.
I'm even more jaded when I'm in the slums compared to me out in the world, on the go for some kind of fun. This routinary life is fucked up. No way am I going to continue my life with that after 12 years of education.
The only comfort I can get was by reading about people lives from different era, of people from the Bronte sisters to Marilyn Monroe, from Shakespeare to Michael Jackson, everyone is in their own kind of struggle. Struggle and pain are inundated in life. No matter how improved we are, how advanced and all those shit, we are still in this struggle. It's a common oppression everyone seems to undergo.
It makes me question where the hell is the humanity everyone is talking about? Or maybe struggling is part of humanity. Did I just answer my question. Fuck.
After reading what I just rambled, you would advise me to grab some rest cause I appear tired. But guess what, everyday I go through this tiresome and helpless process of struggle. And many times I don't know what the heck I'm struggling for/with.
Fuck. People use this word because they just don't know any other way to describe the feeling they are experiencing. And it's the shortest way to express that deepest and lowest emotion. Apathy w grief.
****************CHEAP THRILLS W SOME TEQUILA.
The whole week I'm either stuck in the library or home attempting to study. And I think I'll seriously flung my midyears badly. Real bad. I've no motivation to study. And everyday, I dread. HOW? :(
I need some fun.
On a personal note...
Walking down memory lane-opening boxes of notes, letters, photos and gifts. Reminiscing some wonderful good ol' days. Pangs of anxiety and frustration stirred within my heart. I regretted at some point. Regretted not mustering that courage to face up with my feelings and the people around me. Regretted that a relationship I used to hide has transformed into cycles of emotional wreck.
I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. Most of the time we make up that reason for what has happened. We elude ourselves and play pretence. Things happen because we cause it to happen be it intentionally or unknowingly. We make decisions of what's going to happen next. It's simply the idea of cause and effect.
I tried to reason out the things that happen in my life. But i realise there's no other way in finding answers except through asking the heart what it truly wants.
I learn to face up with my feelings whether or not it's deemed to be wrong or immoral in the eyes of others. So what if people disapprove of me, at least I'm true to myself. And I assure that I'm true to my friends. Guess what people who disapprove are usually the biggest liars. They lie to people who they really are. Worst of all, they lie to themselves, denying of what they want. These 'friends' are so sincere aren't they?
They make me laugh. And luckily, you showed me your true colours when you yelled at me outside the lecture theatre during a supposed renewing camp. Cause now I know I don't have to play your game anymore.
Stop pretending you're all holy, pretending you embrace all sorts of people when you actually asked people to leave. I will never forget how this Christian ask me to leave because She thinks I'm inappropriate. You're damn fake.
