School starts tomorrow! Technically today. But oh well. I sound excited but seriously, check that tone. !! It's more like panic attack.
My head hurts. I toss and turn in bed. I feel my soul was lifted out of me for once where I am brought into a whole new dimension, one where I've a resolution in life.
My body is weak and I feel extremely weary. It feels as if I'm carrying this huge metal over my head and I have chains attached to me. My neck aches and my eyelids feel heavy. There are voices within that keeps interjacking each other. Inside me keeps churning and twinging. My eyes are barely open, my vision is blurred and the only thing in front of me is this ray of light. I feel that tinge of urge to walk towards it. I grope my way along those dim lamps. Using every ounce of strength that my body can produce, I push my feet forward. Step by step, I told myself. I propel myself out of darkness, together with those lamps that guide my feet to that light. Finally I thought, a resolution. A stop to all the turmoil. It is as if I can smell peace.
I jerked out of bed. I'm back in my room. I'm hanging onto the unfinished resolution.
Was this even a resolution? I don't make any sense of what I write. But if you do understand this piece of writing, you are probably as insane as me.
I think the song that best describe my mood and it happens to be my favourite song - Breathing, Lifehouse.
Goodnight.
I'm finding my way back to sanity, again. Though I don't really know
what I'm gonna do when I get there. Take a breath and hold on tight.
Spin around one more time. And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace.
I am hanging on every word you say. And even if you don't want to
speak tonight. That's alright, alright with me. Cause I want nothing
more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.
I am looking past the shadows of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify the voices in my head, God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel.
And break these calluses off me one more time.
Breathing - Lifehouse.
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You know, the passionate ones, The ones where sex is constantly on your mind. You spend your days imagining fingertips, lips, teeth, and tongue exploring every inch of bare skin. Every date, you sit across from each other, both of you nodding your heads, barely tolerating the required pretense of interest in conversation before you can satisfy your urges. You crave each other. It's insatiable. It's short lived. Besides a strong desire to feel skin against skin, you have nothing in common.
There are those kind of relationships.
You know, the needy ones. The ones where the other person loves you, wants you, needs you desperately. You like them, you may even love them, but your feelings can never match theirs. They are always so far ahead of you. It's clear to everyone that they love you more. They call you incessantly. They are offended when you do things without them. They forgive you instantly for any transgression. Without you, their life would have little or no meaning. You are the centre of their world. It's short lived. These relationships can't last. The neediness of the other eventually eats away at you. It wears you out. It makes you realize that you can't respect them anymore.
There are those kind of relationships.
You know, the desperate ones. The ones where you love the person so much more than they love you. The ones where you chase after the other person with all of your heart. You wake up early to fix your hair a certain way, dress a certain way, make them their favourite meals. You constantly try to remain interesting and attractive and alluring. You feel yourself putting other things aside, ignoring important things to satisfy them. You know you're pathetic. You know that they can leave you at any moment. Your entire life is filled with the insecurity of knowing that you love them more. They are everything.
There are those kind of relationships.
You know, the real ones. The ones where you like to talk, to play, to argue, and to fuck. The ones where you can't stand each other and can't stand to be apart from one another at the same time. The ones where you each have your own life, but you allow each other to enrich them instead of control them. The ones where you switch off being needy and desperate but generally are equally obsessed. The ones where you feel secure but not bored, where you are just as excited about the conversation you have during dinner as the sex you will have afterwards. You've seen each other bitchy, whiny, ugly, tired, sick and you still want each other desperately. It's the ones where you know that neither of you is perfect, but you're perfect for each other.
It's nice to have reality for once.
http://eletheowl.tumblr.com/post/1192489023/those-kind-of-relationships
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Part-time lover, full-time friend.
I can't help feeling so dark and shallow.
People say, "You will make up of a very wonderful friend, an awesome buddy. But as a lover...I find it hard. To me, you're a part-time lover, but a full time friend."
Everytime people say things like this, it breaks my heart apart. Because I know somehow I can never be first in their lives. Maybe not even second or third or fourth. I look myself into the mirror, and I wonder, am I not good enough to be a lover?
Truth is, I can be a friend but I want to be a lover.
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Hi, it's the midnight ghost again. I like how it feels when everyone else is sleeping like a dead log while I wake up right smack in the middle of the night. Not exactly night time cause it's 3am now. I like how it feels as if I'm waiting for everyone to wake up, and watch 'em get busy and leave the house for work, for school. But I guess I'm only granted this luxury because I'm in the midst of my exams and most of my papers are thankfully in the afternoon.
My blogging vibes are back. By translating my thoughts into words makes my world and problems look less consuming.
"Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantments for truth." - Jean-Paul Sartre
The world is not filled with hope. It's us, human that are filled with hope. That makes everyone delusional in their own ways. We hope too much, and that's why we get depressed. And somehow when we bump into incidences that coincide with what we hope for, we turn them into miracles. But what if these so called miracles are mere coincidences? And what if miracles do not exist? We ledge onto these instances of coincidence and try in any possible means to tweak 'em to satisfy that hopeful heart of ours, but I call it delusions.
And maybe I'm being cynical. But I think you are in a mirage of your own.
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Alright, been updating alot more these days. Probably due to the inundated amount of information processing in my brain since I've been studying quite a bit. So, I'm here to chuck some crap from my brain so I can store more information on market failure. Haha.
Ok, time check, 230am. And I just woke up from sleeping at 8pm. I'm feeling alil drowsy, alil cranky and yeah, alil high? Haha. Not a good sign for my Econs paper. Hopefully I won't be dead by 2pm.
So today, this song, Tonight, is stuck in my head which totally brings back a whole load of memories. People say we hold on to memories because that's the only thing that remain constant. Yea, and I totally agree, because I'm this emo nemo kid who is rather delusional sometimes where I always find myself alternating between my reality and my past. I don't seem to be able to deviate myself away from feeling alot for my past. Ok, that sounds like I'm writing my lit paper 5. Oh yeah, my lit paper 5 was pretty okay. Hopefully my grades will show tho.
And yes, I'm very sentimental, (apparently someone used this word on me). I always seem like I'm moving, always changing, but I guess I'm rather constant in many ways. And maybe that's why I'm always twinged in my own feelings, some called it self-entrapment. I loved someone alot but recently I realised what moving on really is. There's a huge difference between moving on and getting through it. I got through it all, yet somehow when I love someone, truly love someone, I never stop loving. People are impressed of how much I can give. But I say it's crazy. It drives me crazy. Because these fast moving people make me feel so ever lonely. Makes me feel disconnected like I'm someone who lacks that confidence to feel allowed to exist.
Yeap, I guess I gotta grab some hot chocolate and read my econs now. Seeyall.
It's when I'm standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words
to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream
to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone
with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade
a thousand tomorrows for just one day yesterday. Then I could just call you
to tell you goodnight. It's when I'm really sad about something and need someone
to talk to that I realize you're the only one who really knew me at all.
It's when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much
I would give to hold you at that very moment. I think about you
that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.
-A Million Little Pieces
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GONNA MISS YOU NANA.
I hope you're safe alright. Anyway, something that made my day. And nana, if Beijing even allows you to access to my blog, please see this.
Godma: nite nite midnite ghost Lora
Me: haha nite aunty!
Godma: nite nite honey. be good. keep in touch ok. dont lost touch when fiona's away.
Me: ok aunty.
Godma: can always talk to me.
Me: nana give me your number alr!
Godma: glad to hear that. call upon me anytime...i'm here for you k.
Me: Aww, aunty. you soooo sweet.
Godma: anytime hee hee. Im going to sleep soon. you also go sleep soon, dont get stuck with the middle name, midnite ghost ha.
Me: hahaha. you go and sleep too!
Godma: U too darling. work life sucks but no choice. for fiona and di's sake I will work hard.
Me: They are gonna be so proud of you. And I know you will miss nana so much. anything you can call me k. I entertain you with the smurf song. hahaha
Godma: haha okok. thx dear.
Sidenote, Math turned his back on me. So pls Econs and Lit, befriend me alright. I love you both. Gotta go study now. Byeeeee. And oh yeah, I guess I'm back here and there for some updates. Haven't really bid farewell.
Anyway, I miss myself.
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When you're out there looking for that perfect person, keep these things in mind. People change, no matter how hard they try not to. As you grow older, you mature, and with each level of maturity come different ideas, different needs and wants. The person who was perfect for you at twenty could be the person you hate when you're at thirty-five. You will have to find someone who will grow with you, change with you, laugh with you and cry with you. A person who fills in where you lack, a person whom you can fill in for when they are lacking. But what about the perfect person, you ask? They do not exist. There are no perfect people, only people who are perfect for each other.
You deserve to be happy not in the arms of someone who keeps you waiting but in the arms of somone who will take you now.
- J. M. Whitaker
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How I hope studying can be like looking at picture books and having the most outrageous stories.
Something that will scare my teachers & some friends, I haven't actually start mugging.
Yea, it's really scary I know. I'm lazing around alot and I'm doing alot of unproductive work.
So, really, I need heavens' bucket of blessings for my A's.
Prelims is starting in less than 48 hours.
So I'm here to bid goodbye for a while.
Shall be back once A's are over. Hopefully.
To hewerboy, I miss you a lot lately. But then I can't seem to accept you for who you are anymore. Blame that bitch, it's her fault. I'm terribly sorry. Remember the stars, Ily.
To fatty, my heart is unable to stop feeling that way. And somehow it's growing to want more. I'm just as helpless as you. So please don't make it sound like you're holding up a one-man show cause we are in this together. Even if everything changes, this heart still remains. Literally.