Something that kennethleow said lead me into deep thoughts. "What was I afraid of?"
Whenever I heard over the announcement about water baptism, I tend to feel uneasy. I know sooner or later I shall get baptised. But there's always this inner voice that counter with that fact, "Let's wait. It's just not now." Everytime when I've decided to do so, I'll ultimately shove that thought away thinking there's always a next time.
kenneth is right. What was I afraid of? Why was I afraid?
I knew the answer. But I never dared to admit it.
I was very sure how my God is real and true as I've personally encountered Him. The peace and love that He grants me with; it's totally beyond anything anyone can offer. I was very certain that the bible is totally true. And no, I don't doubt whether the writings are right. They are obviously right. I knew Him ever since young. The miracles and wonders that He has done in my life truly reflects how real this loving Father is.
But, I was afraid to get baptised. Because I know getting baptised is a commitment. It's my commitment with God. It isn't kids' play. It's like a marriage where you get married into Christ. I was sure of God. But I wasn't sure of myself. In some ways, I didn't want to be tied down to this marriage. Like how God's beliefs tends to be the opposite of the world's. And how some of the pleasures of the world are sinful desires in God's eyes. As sinners, we are in this constant struggle to be godly and righteous. This constant struggle is something which I know I have to go through. But most of the time, I don't wish to.
I was afraid that I couldn't live up to being a christian when I get baptised. I know that baptism doesn't mean that I will be totally stripped off of all my sins and bondages and be perfect and good for the rest of my life. I was afraid that I couldn't live up to that promise of being committed and I would be a bad christian who reflects badly on God's glory.
And in many sermons and talks, we know how martyrs had been persecuted and treated harshly and I'm definitely very impressed with them. I stood in awe for their faith and courage. It's obviously commendable. But I know I will definitely not be that one.
I told this to God before, "Lord, please don't let me be like one of them cos I'm pretty sure I'll disown You." I wasn't afraid of death. I was just afraid of the pain and torture I had to go through before I even die.
I know it appeared to be so self-centred. Or maybe it IS very selfish. It may even appear that I was running away from this commitment. But that's the way it is. I can't help it. And it's definitely very saddening to hear this.
One thing that kenneth added on,"Will I regret for not making the decision now?"
I know I would. I just don't know how to overcome this fear.
Sorry for never being there.
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