Alot of stuffs in my mind and I really wish I could rant it all out before they all get flushed it off.

Yes Lord. Strike me down with terror and let me know I'm mere human. I'm tired of the ons and offs. Someone once told me this before, "the people who truly excel is those who spot the problem and rectify it." Well, I can hell spot so many problems. And yea, I guess many know that I have a problem with negativities. I spot so many problems and negativities. But then again, I'm not exactly one who rectifies it. And that's definitely my failing part.

Ok, to make my point first. I hope I won't be deemed as a trouble seeker/ emo/ attention seeker when I spot negativities. And in many things, I see the irony. But then again many times, I choose to keep mum. Because whenever I choose to make my stand on sth, my actions will somehow be deemed as defiance or rebellion. Why can't my stand be seen as a form of curiousity? And yes, I really don't get it. And I hope I will get a good explanation out of this.

I know that there are times when I give a hard time to the people around me. And I don't know whether to say that it's my nature. But to tell the truth, I never liked being the way I am. Not that I hate it alot. But the frowns and stares just annoy me to the core. They let me feel as if I was a freak from a total different world from you. But no, we are living in the same earth, same planet. And it's even worst when you try to play pretend with me. Trying to be nice and stuffs. Doing all sorts of 'helpful and productive' things and playing the accountable partner when deep down you never truly care and give a heck about my life. So come on, let's be honest with each other no matter how we have to tell each other that we suck. And being honest with me is caring for me.

I know I'm an ass. And in many things, I'm not doing enough. I'm not giving my best. And I only give my best shot when it's the last shot. And I would be hypocritical if I said I put God first in my life. There are loose baggages here and there that I know I should sweep off. So many things that I’ve let loose and so many times I’ve been selfish in my thoughts and actions. I know that knowledge is not enough, and I need to act on it and do sth about it. Actions always speak louder.

I have to admit that I haven't been doing well spiritually, definitely emotionally as well. And I'm working on it. But when I'm not doing well, please don't deemed me as a prisoner. Cos the Lord didn't create anyone to be gorgeous, perfect and beautiful. And everyone has their rough patches. So, I will gladly ask of you to lessen those stares and frowns. And get down on your knees and pray for me; if you truly care and love me.

And please Lord, strike my heart with fear so that I will come to learn how limited I am as a human. And many times I’ve been so unfaithful and selfish with You and with my community. I pray that You demonstrate to me how to love the people around me.

Lead me Lord, to calvary. Amen.