Downcast. Gloomy.
How to say this?
It's not like anything major happened, or something grieving occurred.
It's just apathy. Ah, it sounds familiar. It felt even more familiar.
Everyday, it's like attending a masquerade party.
Where people wear masks. Glittery and pretty. It all look nice.
But what lies beneath those masks, it's just so much of truth; ugly truth probably.
And most of the times, I realise how I'm part of the party, wearing a mask.
A mask, I thought can attract people. A mask which has so much vanity in it where people admire, respect and bow for you.
People, aren't those who wore masks too?
It's a crazy party where people cheat people. We are all in this party.
I wanna be as truthful as possible. I want to take down this mask and flung it away.
Imagine being an old lady with a walking stick and look back to only realise my life has always been a facade. It has only been one that look so pretty and fulfilling, but it's just an empty shell.
It's scary.
I want to say that I need God badly. I want to say that life has not been any better without God. And how painfully I want to be in God's presence once again. All the responsibilities and expectations that I shun, were just a shield to guard against people's disappointments in me. I don't want people to disappoint. That guilt trip it will put me on. It's a never ending and torturing trip.
And I'm not as strong. I can't handle my emotions and thoughts.
Some die hard feelings just don't go. Some wounds just don't heal. I felt that I never actually moved on. Trapped.
If only the world can be black and white. No grey areas, no overlapping. There wouldn't be any confusion.
Why does it feels like this everytime?
Like I wrote in my diary, "I love you, but why are you always so disappointing?"
And I hear God saying this to me.