I remember I used to write fancy little notes and letters to this classmate of mine on the first day of the month or the last day of the month. Or even on any random days.
I've been thinking about her lately, and I miss her.
I've been blogging alot lately, especially when Promos has already arrived !? Wtheck right. I can't sleep. And I can't study too.
Andd, my phone is dead. My sim card is faulty and Singtel is suppose to activate my new sim card within 3 hours. And 14 bloody hours have passed, it's still not done. Singtel 's so inefficient.
As much as I enjoyed my Birthday month, my september is screwed up. September felt so long, tiring, emotional, vexing. It's draining my soul. Wake me up when september ends - That's my thought, the moment I think of how my september sucks. haha.
On a personal note...
I can't bring myself to see certain people. Cos I don't wanna lie to them yet the truth coming directly from my mouth will smack them right in the face. But truth always hurts.
As much as my life isn't about me myself and I, I don't want my lifestyle or the way I am now hurt anyone, especially my close and loved ones. Ultimately, I know what I'm doing and I've to face the consequences later on. But the only thing that aches my heart most is when loved ones choose to grieve and tries to convince me that I should stop. Some give orders just to stop me. I can't take the guilt that is induced when I see them being so concerned. It aches so much cause the guilt continues to eat into my heart yet I feel so hopeless.
Thing is, what if... I can't get over my past, never can I. Or what if... I don't wanna get over it and I just wanna stay at where I am. Stagnant, forever. Cos I don't have the strength to go on, neither do I want to continue to walk this pricky path barefooted.
I don't want wallow in selfpity or to dwell in if onlys. Yea, if only I don't met him, if only I made the right decision. If onlys happen in an ideal facade that we have dyingly wished for which will never come true in reality.
Sometimes, the only way to stay sober is doing what I need to fill that constant void. Everyone needs love. And I lack the courage to love, to care. Cos love, it generates energy and pain which my heart doesn't have the capacity to uphold. Maybe being strong is me trying to be something I am not. And trying hard doesn't makes me a stronger person. It kills my hope to even live on life.